This is the 6 page suicide note I was left to read by my best friend Ian.
One year ago,
On a Monday afternoon. I dropped my best friend Ian off at his house, we were going to go to the mall afterwards and get Chick-fil-la because the school lunches are nasty. So I dropped him off at around 2:30 pm. I went home, changed, fixed my hair and got a text message from Ian, reading, “Hey Mad’s can you come over and help me with something? I really need your help!” So I texted him back, “Bro, I’ll be there in 2 minutes. I’m walking out the door now.” I pulled into his drive way, go out of the car, walked into his house, because I’m like family there. Plus they keep the doors unlocked. Yelled, “Ian, get in we are going shopping!” He always loved the Mean Girl references; I didn’t hear anything back. So I walked into the kitchen, got a bottle of water and walked up stairs, saying, “Ian, if you’re taking a shit like yesterday I will kill you.” I still didn’t hear anything. So I walked down the hallway to his room; and looked in his bathroom. Which was always a mess. It always looked like a tornado went through it. It was completely clean. Not a spot anywhere. I shrugged, not thinking anything of it. I walked to his room, knocked on his door, it wasn’t locked but I still wanted to knock. So I knocked, 4 times. I didn’t hear anything. So I walked in. I opened the door to my best friend of 15 years hanging from his bunk bed. Dangling. Not moving. His room, just like the bathroom. Normally a wreck, now completely clean. At first I didn’t think this could happen so I tired to tickle him to make him move. He didn’t move. At all. I screamed at the top of my lungs and dropped to the floor. I dropped my water bottle on the floor and tears streamed down my face. I wanted to reverse time just by two hours and not let him go home. I didn’t want to be the one that walked in on this. I wondered why me? But there was a reason he chose me to come there. I was his best friend. The only person who knew that he was raped, and beaten by his own father. The only person that knew he cut himself. The only person the knew he was gay. I was the only one that knew he wanted to die. I just never spoke up. On the bottom bunk, I noticed a green envelope and a blue envelope. Both with my name on them. I opened them and began to ball my eyes out. I read the first line, “Madeline Paige, I fucking love you baby girl.” I then called 9-1-1 and then Ian’s dad.
No one knows what I saw. No one knows what I felt. & What I feel every day. What I will feel for the rest of my life.
If you want to sit there and mock me for it; go right ahead. But just know you have a whole other thing coming.
Rest In Peace Ian baby.
I love you.